For the past year and a half, we've been getting hundreds of questions about Starwoids and our many travels with fellow Star Wars fans. Since we're busting our hump to get this film done for you, Joe Moviegoer, we had to find someone with the utmost expertise on Star Wars Fandom, not to mention good typing skills and a minimal criminal record to answer your many questions. Who did we find? The Almighty Woidzak, of course! (Never heard of him? Neither did we, but his name kind of matches with our title, so deal with it).

Got a question? Have some extra time on your hands? Trying to find more useful ways to fight crime? The almighty Woidzak is your man. Just E-mail him at Swdocc@aol.com and he’ll answer your questions hopefully before Episode II, or before his visa expires, whichever comes first.

QUESTION: Where in the heck are the bathrooms around here? I'm at the Village theatre in Westwood and I gotta go!

ANSWER: Look, I don't want to hear your problems about no public bathrooms in a major city. You know, when I was in NAM, we didn't worry about trivial items such as bathrooms! In Nam, you get the job done and you survive another day in the jungle. So quit your belly aching and act like a man!

QUESTION: What is your favorite Star Wars film?

ANSWER: The one with the little bears. And the one with the guy who wears that mask. Seriously, ask me that question again and I will hurt you.

QUESTION: When is this movie going to be done?

ANSWER: We're just waiting for the perfection of the old "Smellovision" that was used back in the 50's to come back. Seriously, check out the FAQ page and that will tell you everything.

QUESTION: I was in line at the Chinese theater during Episode I. How can I contact other people who were in the line as well?

ANSWER: People tell me that this thing called the "Internet" is all the craze with the teens nowadays. As for me, I keep in touch with all my Star Wars buddies via the futuristic technology of Ham radio. It also gives me great info on school closings, police chases, and what people on other planets are doing. Or you can just go to www.liningup.net and ask them.

QUESTION: I have a lot of Star Wars figures from way back in 1977. Are they worth any money?

ANSWER: Only the Boba Fett one with the chewy caramel center. The others really have no taste at all, so I'm guessing they're not worth much.

QUESTION: What in the world did you guys do for 42 days while waiting in line for Episode I?

ANSWER: First and foremost, try to overthrow the government before those crazy apes do and make us all slaves. Other than that, you’ll have to see the movie and find out.

QUESTION: Hey Woidzak, when is TROOPS II coming out?

ANSWER: Not a clue. I’ve seen bits and pieces, and believe me; it’s going to make the original TROOPS look like a puppet show. It's truly amazing stuff.

QUESTION: I’m in line at the Chinese theater and I’m hungry. I noticed there’s a Kenny Rogers Roasters down the street but I don’t want to eat there because I don’t think he’s that big of a celebrity to actually own a chain of restaurants. Am I crazy?

ANSWER: Yea, you’re crazy… like a fox! Think about it, would you want to eat at the same place as, "The Coward of the County?" The man hasn’t had a hit since "Six Pack" and that was a poor man’s Burt Reynolds road pic. The Beatles, I can see. Elvis, absolutely. Even Abba could have a little bistro chain going coast to coast. But the Gambler, I wouldn’t buy a Tic Tac from that bearded freak. May I suggest the #2 value meal at McDonalds and don’t forget to super size it.

QUESTION: I see there’s something about a Star Wars musical. Where can I see it?

ANSWER: Unfortunately, "Star Wars: The Musical" is no more. It was done a couple of years ago before The Phantom Menace even came out. You can see highlights in the documentary and on local pirate satellite networks as a "how to" tape to overthrow the Republican Party.

QUESTION: How can you stand in line 24/7 for 42 days? It’s impossible!

ANSWER: The key word is SHIFTS, where one person would take over for the other in line. The average time was six to eight hours a day (in earth time).

QUESTION: I’m from L.A. and I heard that from the first day in line, nobody knew if The Phantom Menace was going to play at the Chinese theater. What do you think would have happened if the 1400 fans waiting in line never got to see the movie there?

ANSWER: It would have been "Like a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

QUESTION: What kind of name is Woidzak and what gives you the authority to answer these questions?

ANSWER: It’s Polish for, "The Caramel Coated One." As for the second question, my dad runs the business and the funny hat they gave me to put on my head while answering these questions fits perfectly.

MORE TO COME ...